From
flirtationships (relationships with sexual innuendo but ZERO commitment and ZERO actual sex) to
friends with benefits (relationships with ZERO commitment and LOTS of actual sex) - our society has come to pass that this is the new norm in relationships. Not widely accepted just 20 years ago, in present times, it is VERY normal for people who for whatever reason choose not to be in traditional committed relationships, prefer to engage their sexual selves in one of these types of new-age pairings.
Void of the stress of arguments about who left what toilet seat up, or whose turn it is to take out the trash, friends with benefits allow you to experience the affection we all need to fuel our emotional and physical selves without giving up our sense of independence. Many would challenge me at this early point in the post that there is no "love" in a FWB relationship. But I beg to differ because if you choose correctly, the dominant feature is FRIENDSHIP. If you really, really take a look at the relationship you have with your closest friends and the one you have with your partner, you know that the dynamic is different. While you may share your innermost thoughts and feelings with your spouse, there is a part of you, nonetheless that is braced for judgment or backlash if deep down you know it's not something that would please them. Whereas with a close friend, you can gush without reservation about whatever it is you have on your mind, and as long as it has no direct consequence to them, they are there to take it in, without prejudice or judgment.
For example:
You decide that after 10 years as an executive at an advertising agency, with a good stable salary and medical benefits, 4 weeks vacation and a nice Christmas Party to go to every year that you want to quit your job and buy a food truck and sell your Mom's pulled pork sandwiches in a hospital parking lot for a living. Telling your spouse this may invoke feelings of fear and resentment regarding financial security
(how the heck are we gonna pay our mortgage off of a line cook's salary???), ability to live up to family responsibilities due to time constraints
(if you think I'm going to your sister's housewarming party by myself because YOU want to BBQ pork all day...???), and change of professional status
(...yes, my husband is the Pork guy) the news is just not going to be met with the same elation you may be feeling. While telling the same news to your friend with benefits will likely be met with unconditional enthusiasm, excitement and support. Know why? Because unless somewhere in that declaration there is a direct negative impact on the sexual aspect (benefits) of your friendship, what you choose to do to fulfill yourself is a choice that should be exclusively yours!
Having a friend with benefits does not mean you don't love them, it just means you don't own them. Nor do you owe them. It is a no strings attached situation that can be as genuine as you want it to be, or part of a network of smaller pieces of your life puzzle that fulfills your varying needs. In traditional relationships, boy meets girl, boy and girl date, boy and girl have sex, and then in order to secure the rapport boy and girl commit (either by promising exclusivity or at the extreme end of the spectrum, getting married). While during the courtship process, there is certainly a lot of "getting-to-know" each other that happens, many couples who take this course never have the chance to simply be friends with the person that they are now going to spend the rest of their life with. Armed with the right level of maturity, an FWB relationship can tell you so much more about a person than dating possibly could, because the THREE root problems in relationships often stem from: MONEY, JEALOUSY
(read as: INSECURITY) and CONTROL. Often the over-abundance of any of these or the lack thereof.
With FWB's you get into the habit early on of going Dutch on everything or taking turns on who pays for what - a very good habit to bring into a relationship should your friendship blossom into one or if either of you meet someone with whom you wish to commit to. Both parties learn to keep their feelings of jealousy or insecurity in check because neither is accountable to the other for what happens when you are not physically together. In fact, if you are truly friends, you may feel comfortable to still report back
(read as: kill yourselves laughing) about dates you go on with other people. That kind of open, honest communication is another good habit to bring into a relationship in the future. Another learned behaviour in a FWB relationship is the ability to control your needs. Because you can't expect that your friend will be available for sex at the precise time that you feel like it, it doesn't erode your sexual attraction to them and you likely don't hold it against them. There are definitely times when you haven't been able to drop everything and come through for them. But in a formal relationship, when sexual needs aren't met, there is resentment. At some point, when your sexual needs aren't being met, someone is saying to themselves
(or to their FWB, hahaha!) "Why Did I Get Married?".
BUT...
There is certainly some downsides to having a friend with benefits. And that is.....and you knew it was coming...what happens when one friend wants something different? Maybe one friend has fallen deeply in love and now wants a more formal relationship OR has fallen in love with someone else and wants to cut the benefits in order to be more exclusive to the new interest.
NOBODY LIKES TO HAVE THEIR SEX CUT OFF.
So how that situation is managed will depend highly on how good of "friends" you all were in the first place. I have repeatedly fallen into that trap of not knowing my partners as friends before claiming them romantically, and then being completely disappointed when all to late we realize we want different things from life, have opposing views on things that may not have come up in the "dating" process, or simply that we grew apart before we ever had the chance to grow together. But conversely, my friends (with or without benefits) have been my friends forever. I think that has a lot to do with them knowing the real me up front, right from the start without the facade of some perfect woman being shattered 6 months into the relationship. And if I dare to say this - sex with someone who knows you inside and out, and quite possibly knows and understands the pain you may carry (and are working through) is unlike any sex you will have in your entire life.
Final Thoughts:
Personally, I am still a huge advocate for committed relationships (not formal, don't get it twisted), but I believe in the power of a team. But, as my wisdom catches up to my age, I'm realizing that fulfillment does not look the same for everybody. What makes me feel whole might not be enough for someone else. That doesn't make it wrong, just different. Sex is supposed to be the ultimate expression of love. But not necessarily love for someone else, but love for YOURSELF! And you should be able to have that celebration whether or not you are in a formal relationship because you are no less entitled to feel good, right? We do things for our friends all the time, we help them move, we loan them money, we listen endlessly to their problems, we babysit their dogs. So, isn't it safer, more responsible, with less room for disappointment if we fulfill our needs with someone we trust than with a stranger who doesn't have our best interests at heart? I would give a friend the benefit of the doubt over someone I did not know. My mom always said, "Don't talk to strangers".
“income, benefits, friends, reputation, and sometimes even family.” ~ Joanne Ciulla
