The very fact that I have (once again) not blogged in such a long time is definitive proof that even when you get to make your own hours and choose how you spend your time, you can still get so caught up in the proverbial rat race that you don't make time to do the things that ordinarily bring you so much pleasure. I love to write. Isn't this how my most recent evolution began in the first place? 4 years ago, I just started documenting the ramblings of my mind, and before I knew it I was solving my problems and helping others solve theirs just by putting some kind of structure around my thoughts. I'm a thinker, which means my mind is usually moving 50 kms above the speed limit at any given moment, and although I have effectively made a long list of drastic changes in my life, I too find myself on the hamster wheel diligently trying to make it spin faster and faster.
I have always looked at my life as a journey of sorts. Sometimes going for long stretches without a break, sometimes idling too long at the pit-stops. Sometimes I break down and need repairs, and other times I purr like a kitten. The times that I am reminded that I need to slow down and ENJOY the journey and take in the scenery are the times when I have not maintained all parts of the ride and they succumb to wear and tear. (OK, enough speaking in tongues. Geez, even that analogy ran way too long for me). I've come a long way since I started this chapter of my life. I overcame loss, I overcame self-doubt, I overcame fear. Time and time again in an effort to conquer my fears, I have done the very things I am so afraid of. (I suppose next on my list is locking myself up in a room full of tarantulas, but for now, I will schedule that for a later date). I have grown so much...changed so much...learned so much!
Why am I writing today? That's a good question. I think it is because I am ready to make a turn in my life again. Or at least complete the jigsaw puzzle that I have been piecing together for sometime now. If you scroll back to my first year's posts - you can easily see that I was writing from a place of deep emotional pain. I had a lot on my head, and a lot on my heart back then. Time is an incredible mender, and the wounds of the past are such distant memories now. I tell my closest friends daily that I have never been more comfortable in my own skin as I am right now. And that is the truth. I speak my mind freely, and although there will be the odd hater that does not care (or cares so much they have to shoot me some negativity), by and large, what I say, think and do, DOES make a difference in the world around me, and THAT is exactly why I'm here. I'm here to provoke, I'm here to inspire, I'm here to push. My journey is not worth travelling unless others get to ride with me. That's just how I think. Maybe I'm a dreamer. Or a hopeless romantic. Or both.
A few years ago, I felt like nothing in my life could go right. One cluster-fcuk after another. Self-pity and I were next door neighbours. Each let-down making way for the next. But, in the most unexpected places, among some of the most unexpected people, I found support and strength that helped me find my true self amongst the clouds of chaos. People need people. No matter how much of a loner we think we are, we ALL need people in our lives. Some to laugh with, some to cry with, and some to stand side-by-side with and change the world with, one experience at a time. I am very lucky to have several people in my life that I do this with - like minds attract, and what do they say? Real recognizes real.
One of these days I'm going to want to get out of this rat race, and stand back wherever I am, and enjoy my surroundings fully. Bask in the greatness of where I've been, sip champagne at 8 o'clock in the morning (I mean technically I could do that now but just seems like it would be more special on my own private yacht), and stare deeply into the eyes of that someone that believed in me the whole way, and exhale. All of this preamble (believe it or not) has been a lead up to the one thing that we can all agree on...we do this for the pursuit of happiness WHICH although money and riches is fine and dandy, we do this for LOVE. LOVE is the big payout for all our hard work. It is the ultimate high from this work toke we take everyday. Love makes us feel alive. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel accomplished. Love makes us invincible. Love makes you feel like if you had to do the rat race all over again, you would because you know what the reward feels like. And it's good. It's OH SO GOOD!
The funny thing about being in the rat race is that we are so busy "working harder" and "making more money" and "moving faster" that we fill in the blanks of our lives with what we think should be there. Some women afraid that their biological clocks will run out before they find true love, either get pregnant for men they don't love or they cut the man out of the equation entirely and just turkey-baste themselves an offspring. Some men settle for the wrong woman because they can't deal with the loneliness of the journey waiting for the right one. For me, I've learned that if "love" is the crack of life, then I don't want fake highs along the way. Which means if I have to wait for it, I'll wait for it. Afterall, this is MY rat race, and I haven't worked so hard to be the best me I can be just to share it with the sorta-kinda-somewhat best in someone else. And I'll take 100% for 20 years instead of 50% for 40. Know what I mean?
Final Thoughts:
Timing is everything. Love is worth waiting for. And just like your true life's calling (which if you're not there yet, believe in yourself and work towards it and you WILL get there), the right love is there...and it will manifest it's way into your life regardless. You just have to be ready for it. And when it does, light it up and enjoy the greatest high of your life.
