The Guilt of Regret

 

 

"Guilt is the price we pay willingly for doing what we are going to do anyway" - Isabelle Holland

"Don't say sorry because I'm hurt. Say sorry because you're hurt." 

"Guilt is regret for what we’ve done.  Regret is guilt for what we didn’t do."

GUILT: Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

REGRET:  A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different. 

I tell you, if it isn't one....it's probably the other.  Feelings of guilt and shame are not something we often want to discuss openly because, quite simply it's painful, embarrassing,  and by talking about it we are in some way admitting to something, which often times we are not ready to do.  We are faced with situations everyday that put us in a position of having to make a choice.  To take action or to do nothing.  Usually the tipping point for us when we have to make these decisions is whether or not we can live with our choice.  There are no guarantees that everything we do is going to have a happy ending, but each situation comes with a set of variables that should influence us to be able to make an informed decision one way or the other.  And the underlying questions is: 

Is it better to feel guilty for what we have done, than to have regret for what we did not? 

Here's a few scenarios I want you to think about, then decide what you would do in each scenario.  Then I would kindly ask that you use the comment feature to share your position (which you can do anonymously if you do not want to be identified).  Remember folks, I do this not to make you feel uncomfortable, but to open dialogue in order that we can feel MORE comfortable about ourselves and each other. 

Scenario #1

You and a friend (a friend that you became friends with only as a result of working at the same company) both feel like you're ready to take the next step in your careers.  When an internal posting goes up for a position that you are both equally interested in, it appears that things could be looking up.  Before you had a chance to mention to your friend that you were applying, she/he had already submitted the application and blabbed to you and your friends/colleagues that they were going for it.  Not wanting to steal their thunder, you submitted your application quietly and never mentioned it.  After the interview process was over, your friend approaches you and says that she/he has a really good feeling and thinks they are a shoe-in for the position.  Then.....the announcemant is revealed, and YOU got the job instead. 

Do you feel guilty for having applied and getting the job over your friend, or regret for not having told them so they could be aware that you were their competition? 

Scenario #2

You've been friends with a couple who was married for several years.  They have children (one of which is your Godchild).  Sadly the couple breaks up, and it is very unpleasant (read as: nasty, gun-slinging, cut-throat, take-you-to-court-and-rake-you-over-the-coals type shit).  Your desire is to remain as neutral as possible, as you deem them both equally your friends.  But, you engage in some business ventures the male party of this couple and in that vein, you may have some added responsibilities to that person.  You come to find out that the mother is keeping the children away from the father as part of the fallout of the break-up, but because you and your spouse remain friends with the mother, you get to see the kids more frequently.  Christmastime comes, and the father desperately wants to see his kids (it's been 6 months).  You are in a position(on the down-low) to facilitate a visit because the kids are staying with you while the mother is away on business.

Do you endure the guilt of going against the wishes of the mother for the sake of the kids and your other friend, OR do you live with the regret of keeping them apart and not having intervened? 

Scenario #3

You are very close to someone, who experienced several life changes when their spouse walked out on them last year, whom you've watched first-hand piece their life back together bit by bit.  You are well aware of the burdens that this person faces, (divorce is never easy on anyone), but with support, you know they will pull through.  You've spent a lot of time with this person, and can attest to their character.  You know their heart through and through, and want nothing more than to ease their suffering.  Unfortunately, friendship and love is all you have to offer, and have promised that unconditionally.  Long after this person's ex has taken a mistress (is that what you call a girlfriend who dates someone who is married?), the ex decides to approach you and question your intentions with your friend (his ex).  He proceeds to malign your friend, and act as if he is doing you some kind of favour by warning you not to care about her?  You want to throw your fist through this guy's back because you are very aware of the pain and suffering he has caused your friend, and are disgusted by the way he has conducted himself, BUT you don't want your friend to know that her ex is speaking badly about her.

Do you live with the guilt of addressing the situation (either by shutting down the dude down verbally OR by putting your fist through his jaw) or do you do nothing and live with the regret of having not defended your friend?

There are so many examples that we could examine.  To eat that last piece of delicious chocolate cake, or not.  To spend your last $10.00 on Lotto Max when you really need to buy milk.  To go home with that really hot dude you met at the club last night or not.  Every moment of every day, we are faced with situations that require us to govern ourselves accordingly. 

Final thoughts:

Before writing this post, I put the question to the people whom I trust most, my fellow Tweeters. Every reply answer indicated that guilt is a better option than regret, and that action is better than no action.  I'm happy to see that as I totally agree.  A mantra I adopted at work many many years ago and still abide by to this day is: "It is better to ask for forgiveness than permission".  So, be prepared to be more severely judged for that which you did NOT do, than that for which you did.  

"To take chances is to live, to sit and watch is merely to exist." ~ Darling Nicky

Thirty-Something-or-Other

I was never a fan of the show thirtysomething when it use to air, but the fact that a TV series by that name could even be conceived and marketed indicated to me that perhaps your 30's yield more drama than any other decade in your life.  Jay-Z came out with a song called 30 Something a few years ago that painted a picture that 30 is the new 20.  He was referring to the fact that if the young cats in their 20's thought that they were the hottest sh*t out there, think again, because you can still be fire at 30, except with a little more wisdom and experience; you aren't poppin' bottles anymore, you can buy out the whole bar.  Ideally that's the way it should work; you build your foundation in your 20's in order that you can start to enjoy the benefits of your harvest in your 30's.  That could be in the form of now having several years invested in your career, working for a particular company, maybe have a few promotions under your belt, and now you can take some time to think about marriage and kids.  Or maybe,  you approached things inverted, focused on family first, and now that your kids are older, you can build your career without the guilt of absenteeism in their lives.

A common thread that I am seeing amongst all my 30-something friends (which represent about 85% of the people I know), is that personal lives are usually less intact than their professional ones.  It is safe to say that a majority of us (sidenote: see how I never avoid placing myself in the categories to which I see fit?!) did indeed spend a lot of time on careers and skill development that 1st, 2nd and 3rd relationships perhaps took a backseat.  But I was asked to write a little bit about what dating and relationships look like AFTER you've already kinda lived a little, and how it differs from when we were young, fresh and green.

Dating in your 20's:

• Guys who asked women out were (more often than not), genuinely interested in getting to know them and were legitimately "on the market" and available to date openly.
• Drove a respectably new entry-level 4-door like a Mazda 3 or a Honda Civic
• You could get up and go out on a date, and even make that naughty choice to spend the night (even on the first date) without being accountable to your parents or your children. 
• Had less boundaries.  Providing that money wasn't an issue, you could indulge extravagances to impress someone, and even if it did not materialize into any kind of long lasting relationship, you made memories of the experience (even if now you can't remember the person's first name). 
• Everybody in your social circle and extended social circle was fair game because at this point, groups of friends were just merging either through meeting at university or returning home from one.

Dating in your 30's:

• Nobody is able to define their actual relationship status.  Most are attached (but not content, so eyes are roaming), many have children with people whom they are still sleeping with but "Oh no, we're not together anymore but you know, we hold it down for the kids." (So really, I'm not supposed to be a little suspicious that you all are still sharing the same bed?  For the love of God....)  How about, the whole: "Are you married?" - "No, separated". - "So, you're still married." *eye stab*
• Best case scenario: drives a car that is a reflection of their status.  Reality: drives a mini-van because how else do you tote your kids around to soccer practice, or doesn't drive at all and is back to taking public transit. 
• You're probably not telling your children the truth about what your doing and where your going or even with whom.  (Not out of shame, but more so that their loose lips can't repeat anything when they head to their other parent's house for the weekend). 
• As you get older, your financial responsibilities increase, so unless you have a perfect income to expense ratio, chances are that you may actually have to settle for a few more McDonald's dates, lest you always go Dutch. 
• You are probably now only separated from any given person in your social circle by one degree. In other words, all eligible partners have probably dated - fcuked - had babies with - or are/were married to someone that you know.

So now what?  Does that mean that there is no chance of finding suitable life partners after 30?  I guess it depends on what you are looking for.  In my opinion, I think people who get married or shack up in their 20's do so more out of a sense of obligation than out of true desire.  Maybe parents pressure the whole "move-out-on-your-own-and-start-a-family" approach, or maybe you are trying your darndest to live up to your responsibilities because you got caught in a situation.  I think I'm realizing that the reason early relationships don't work out is because people don't take the time to become friends with a person before jumping into relationships.  Chemistry is a powerful thing, but compatibility is really the deal-breaker.  Do you enjoy the same activities?  Do you like the same music, TV shows, and movies?  Can you carry on conversations that are mentally stimulating?  Are you able to meet each others needs on basic stuff like housekeeping, child rearing, and yes, I'm going to say it...sexual desires?  Fundamentally, sex and money are the two biggest tipping points in a relationship. Partners that wish to be successful really need to see eye to eye on these two points before they can explore other facets of relationship building.  Communicating is paramount.  If you can't articulate what you want (and what your able - not willing - to give) then neither person's needs will be met.

The advantageous thing about being in your 30's is that compared to your 20's, you probably have a clearer picture of what you want in your life.  You've already gone the route of "settling" before, and realize that it's a recipe for disaster in the long-run.  Nobody wants perfect (and trust me, odds are you won't get it), but more than likely if you can say you have forged a solid understanding of your potential partners strengths and weaknesses, you can make a much more informed approach to how and whom  you want to spend the rest of your life with.  In your 20's, the stigma of "what others think" is prioritized.  In your 30's, it's more about "what you feel". 

Final Thoughts:

There is no statute of limitations on happiness and fulfillment. Wouldn't it be wise to spend 20 years with someone who completed you in every way, than 40 years with someone who only filled the cup halfway?  Being in your 30's isn't so bad.  You are still young enough and energetic enough to enjoy most of the same things you did when you were younger.  If you played your cards right, then you could potentially be in the prime of your life.  And if you've made some missteps, there is still time to correct those.  But there is no shame in holding out for the right person.  Trust that when you have...you will feel it in every fibre of your being.

P.S. If you couldn't relate to any of this post at all, then just look at it like this.  $30 is the new $20 when you don't get your tickets to events on Early Bird Special. *kanyeshrug*

Open Your Mouth and Dare to Share

The mood is set.  You're alone.  Maybe there's some soft music playing.  You've just spent the most wonderful day with the person you care about the most in the whole world.  You've been gearing up to tell this person something for a long time. Many opportunities to do so have passed you by, but your irrational fear (of rejection, of feeling silly, of catching them off guard, of it being an unreturned sentiment) prevent you from just spitting out the words that are at the tip of your tongue. 

"[insert name], I love...........".

And dammit, you chicken out again.  Why is it sometimes so frightening to tell a person you love them for the first time (or the 4th or the 5th)?  Why do some of us just completely freeze up when it comes to revealing how we feel.  I mean seriously, unless you are an Oscar award winning actor, chances are your behaviour, facial expressions and body language have already baited you out.  I mean, we all know the typical symptoms of "Smittendom".  Weak knees, fluttery stomach, excessive blinking, elevated temperature (is it warm in here?), erect body parts (both male and female) - YES!  I see a little poke coming through....on you! (love that song by NEXT).  And if these are telling signs of how you feel about a person, what is the big deal about verbalizing it?  Do we suddenly feel that once it's out there in the universe, we are suddenly rendered unrecognizably vulnerable, stripped naked of our dignity?  (However, you know perfectly well that you would like nothing more than to be stripped naked by this person). 

This post is not really about saying "I love you".  It's about daring to say what you feel, making known your needs so that they can be met, and possibly quelling any burning questions people around you may have about where they stand with you.  I recently took the time to tell somebody that otherwise may have been left completely in the dark, that I cared about them.  Sure we see each other out and about, chit-chat here and there, occasionally even hang out (in the company of others).  But it occurred to me, that if I dropped dead tomorrow, this person may never know what I truly felt in my heart.  So I dared to share.  And did I start a downward spiral into world anarchy by doing so? NO.  Did I feel so embarrassed that I wanted to run for the hills and learn to eat berries and leaves for the rest of my life.  NO.  Did I perhaps enlighten someone while satisfying my need to be honest, make someone feel good (as well as myself), and open a door to dialogue that would have otherwise remained closed?  YES.  

Telling somebody what or how you feel isn't a demand that they have to repeat the words back to you.  It's like a gift.   Gifting somebody with the truth.  Do you withhold giving out Christmas gifts until you know they have bought you one too?  (Cheap bastard).  You wouldn't hesitate to scream "I hate you" if someone pissed you off.  But yet, many of us are so guarded, we forget to release the positive feelings from within ourselves, and in doing so, we rob those around us of that positive energy.  I was at an event over Caribana (Big People Fete), and a guy that I had the BIGGEST most ridiculous, blinding crush on in 7th grade (whom I haven't seen since the 7th Grade) fully recognized me and hailed me up.  I stood there like a deer in the headlights for a good 5 minutes not knowing who he was, until he jogged my memory.  I immediately became that 12 year old schoolgirl all over again.  I was tongue-tied, nervous, kinda clutzy, OMG, I can't even finish writing this sentence, I'm all weirded out.  My last memory of me and this dude is when a friend of mine told this guy (the cutest boy at my elementary school, star athete destined for the Olympics like his dad, super-uber popular) that I liked him.  Just like an episode of Degrassi, he cornered me in the Phys.Ed hallway and said "Hi".  

You know what I did?  I looked at him, opened my mouth to say Hi back, and immediately bolted in the other direction.  He said Hi, and I ran away.  Amazing.  And from that day forward, I avoided him in the hallways, hid behind lockers, and didn't go to any school dances for the rest of the year.  When I say that was my last memory of him, it was my LAST.  So imagine my surprise when he told me  a good 22 years later, that he is a huge fan of my writing, follows what I do via Facebook, and immediately recognized me because of my flower.  I wanted to run away again.  LOL!  

Final thoughts:

On the real, dancing around your feelings is an unnecessary workout.  Maybe if you would just open your mouth and dare to share, you would find a few more interesting ways to burn calories.  *wink* 

Tank Your Cod

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:7-8

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.” - Stanley Lindquist

“We turn to God for help when our foundations are shaking, only to learn that it is God who is shaking them.” - Charles C. West

 

You know, because religion is such an individualized and personal journey (I use the word journey because one's connection to their spiritual self is a never-ending  voyage of self-discovery), I have deliberately abstained from including the topic in most of my blog posts (check out the strategic use of the word "most" because I am sure if we scrolled all 119 posts on here, somebody would find the reference to God somewhere).  Anyhow, I just wanted to open up a dialogue on faith, how we experience it, how we nourish it, or if we are atheists, what do we believe in?  

 

Growing up in Southern Ontario (Canada), while most certainly claimed to be associated with some kind of religion (mostly Christian where I grew up), the outward displays of worship were not as obvious as other places I've visited or lived.  By that I mean, more did NOT go to church on Sundays than did, the reproductions of The Last Supper were absent from the walls of their homes, homes had Bibles but when asked where they were; no one knew where to find them and people ate burgers on Fridays.  But, people still respected religion, and others right to practice.  

Conversely, when I moved to Florida (yes...smack dab in the Bible Belt), religion was like a 3rd person in a relationship.  Religious quotes permeated commercialized marketing, people got dressed up (VERY dressed up for church service), church was by and large a social gathering as much as it was an opportunity to worship, and everyone had crushes on their pastors (OK, maybe that was just me).  I can't say for certain that I am 100% convinced that everything that is stated in the Bible absolutely went down the way it is written, but I do know for sure that worshipping with others deepened my relationship with God, at a time where no mortal could have been any support to me. 

 

I figure if you're alive to even read this post, then you have somehow managed to escape some life-threatening experience whether it be a car accident, illness, or some other self-inflicted stupidity (i.e. over-drinking to the point of convulsions, experimenting with drugs you are not familiar with, or kissing somebody who just ate shrimp when you know perfectly well you are allergic to shellfish).  The Lord DOES act in mysterious ways whether you believe or not.  How many times have you been on your last dollar, and then find money in a jeans pocket?  How many times did you feel like you reached your rope's end, want to throw yourself from a train (ok, not literally but you were feeling pretty down and out), and someone miraculously stepped in and lifted your mood).  Did you think your loving partner found you by accident?  That incredible job you have right now, was just a matter of sheer coincidence? Whether you are willing to attribute it to God's work of looking after His children or simply the Universe looking out for us human beings, we would be giving ourselves too much credit if we thought for a moment that we had orchestrated such blessings. 

Wow!  Listen to me, I'm all serious and ish.  I guess that's because my Lord has always watched over me.  From the time I had to tell my old-school thinking and uber-closeminded parent that I was pregnant at 18 (and somehow managed to live to actually give birth the child) to escaping the sharp blade of a butcher's knife pressed up against my neck from an insanely jealous boyfriend to having the courage to embark on a career change after such a long stint in big-box sales management, I guess I've always known that I've never been alone.  (Yes, to this day, I still have a copy of "Footprints" hanging on my wall).  

Final Thoughts:

Whatever your beliefs, it is important to recognize that there are forces beyond our realm that protect us, guide us, and forgive us for our sins.  If there weren't, then my number would have been up the very first time I stole cookies from the cookie jar, then dashed the cookie jar on the ground so it would break in order that the missing cookies were less of an issue - I'm still inclined to beg Him for forgiveness.  I usually don't like to refer to the Lord by name unless it's in the context of genuine worship, so I implore you to "tank your Cod" daily, and acknowledge that the Lord provides a way better navigation tool than Garmin. 

Untitled Pt. 2

Every story has 2 sides, and even though many women have horror stories to share about the men in their lives, fellas also have a few to share about the ladies.  The following open letter is not so much a rebuttal to Untitled, but again just one account from a male friend who has had more than his fair share of ups and downs in relationships. 

Dear [insert name] - (Jennifer, Nancy, Tanya, Nikki, Chantel, Lisa, Peaches, Shaquita, Angela, Christina, or whatever personally applies to you), 

Girl, you looked so fine the first day we met (actually, you AND your friends were fly as hell, but I took a liking to you because you sorta looked like you'd put out on the first date).  You were well put together, you had your nails done, hair done, *cue Drake*, and when you walked, you walked with a little switch in your hips that had me googly eyed from the moment I laid my eyes on you.  I don't really know what you ladies call those strappy sandal things with the wedge heel (espadrilles?  esperados?  espadillies?)  but whatever they're called, they looked cute, and your polished feet looked even cuter.  Now I don't usually put that much thought into how I'm going to approach a woman (I usually just wave the keys of my BMW and pop a bottle at the club and that pretty much guarantees me some Gold Digger p*ssy), but you seem like one of those "Independent Woman" types and for some reason I don't think that a single bottle of Grey Goose is gonna have much leverage with you.  

I don't expect much personality when a woman is as gorgeous as you, so I was hella surprised when in getting to speaking with you, you turned out to be "aight".  You mentioned you like sports (*picks out engagement ring*), you said you enjoy cooking (*hands keys over to Beamer, I'll glady drive a Volkwagon*), and you've only slept with 2 other men in your life (*races to altar, we're getting married TONIGHT!).  To be really honest, you were amazing.  I found myself clinging to your every word, you came across as intelligent, witty, funny, very down-to-earth, and easy to talk to.  Before I knew what hit me, I was asking you out on dates, introducing you to my friends, and then it happened........I realized I was in a relationship.  (Dudes, I don't recommend you try this without knowing all the risks involved). 

I gotta give it up to you, you "claimed" to have only been with 2 other guys before me, but that thing you do with your tongue is post-graduate level.  You do realize that for every 1 partner a guy admits to having, there's really about 10.  So, of the 121 women I've slept with before meeting you, you are now among the Top 10 in the category of Bedroom Olympics.  And that totally gives you some immunity to screw up in some other areas.  So, when you suggested that maybe we live together, is it really any surprise that I may not have thought it through as carefully as I should have because I was deafened by the voice in my head that kept saying "On-demand s-e-x!!!!!" "Sex in the morning!" "Sex in the evening" and "Sex in the afternoon!".  I didn't realize you wanted to be like "partners" per say, I was thinking more like roommates.  You know, where I get to continue to live the way I did when you met me, and you'd be cool with that.  Because real talk, I was a certain way when you met me, and that's what you fell in love with right?  So, hell no I ain't puttin' the toilet seat down each and every time I take a piss because quite simply, I don't want to lose your love because you say I changed. (We dudes are great at this rationalizing sh*t). 

So, everything's going pretty good for awhile, and BOOM!  The most dreaded thing that could happen to me us finally happened.  Your ass got pregnant.  (You're trying to trap me into some kind of marriage thing aren't you. I could have sworn you said you were taking the pill.  Please do not tell me that after all this time, those were just Altoids).  Ok, so even though this is happening a good ten years little earlier than expected, I can handle it.  My mom raised me to be a stand-up guy, (although I was kind of hoping that would mainly refer to my lower anatomy's behaviour in the morning when I wake up), but cool, I'll pick up a 2nd job to bring in some more money, and you just take care of yourself and make my baby healthy.  

*screeching halt* So when did you being pregnant automatically give you permission to answer my phone or check my messages?!  Did I miss that memo?  And just because yo' ass is getting big doesn't mean I should be held hostage and stay at home with you every weekend.  Oh no you didn't just pour out my half bottle of Hennessey Black down the drain just because it proved to be too big of a temptation for you.  Listen you crazy lush, it's you that's pregnant, not me!  You don't just go around pouring out a man's liquor like that!  Sheesh! Overlooking that, is it really necessary for us to watch TLC's "Baby Story" every time you turn the TV on?  Don't you know it's NFL season, and wait....weren't YOU the one who said they liked football when we first met?  What happened to that? 

I'm scared now.  I'm living with a stranger.  My cute, sexy, funny, free-spirited girlfriend has turned into a neurotic, controlling, nit-picking, paranoid, over-bearing, baby incubator!  Who by the way won't have sex with the lights on anymore because she doesn't want me to see her stretch marks, and because she's so horny all the time (hormones I guess) isn't lasting more than 5 minutes and has no energy left to take care of my needs.  I'm working a full-time job and a part-time job, building a nursery, trying to keep up with my side hustle (I'm a music producer on the side), spend some time with my parents and friends, AND B*tch you can't even make a little dinner for your man because you were too tired?!  What the hell are you doing all day?!  

Why is your cousin Lucy calling me up and screaming at me because she saw me at the West Indian joint getting some food with some girl?  What, you got spies on me now? I am allowed to eat you know.  And that "girl" was the new trainee at my company.  You's a rell crazy ass aren't you? Let me tell you something, if you think I'm going to sit back and sacrifice my life to you and your paranoia because you may or may not have remembered to take your birth control pills, listen lady, you done messed with the wrong dude!  I'm so much of a stand-up guy, I'm gonna leave you with the crib (no pun intended), and we can square this child support thing off RIGHT NOW!  I'm not afraid of my responsibilities, but you my beloved, have got to go!  

Sorry that things didn't work out the way you'd planned.  Next time, I'll know better than to go after the girl with the switch in her hip.

Sincerely,

[insert name]

Untitled

The following open letter was inspired by a collection of stories (actual real-life occurrences) I have gathered over the past year from women who have had a story to share, but had no voice or platform to share it. Out of respect for those who did ask to remain anonymous, we shall refrain from revealing identities because it is far more important to hear their story.  I have one for men coming up shorty, so dudes, don't get your backs up, I got you too.

Dear [insert name] - (Brian, Greg, Richard, Troy, John, Jamal, Jason, Tony, Chris, Dale, Junior or whatever name applies to you personally)

The day I met you was the beginning of the most beautiful love story on Earth.  When we met (read as: developed romantic feelings after years of friendship, started flirting with each online, dutty wined at the club, got drunk and decided to have sex, started dating each other due to lack of alternatives, succumbed to the effects of Ecstasy, or whatever scenario applies to you personally), I was so taken by my feelings for you, I thought I had quite literally been struck by Cupid's arrow.  I should have known that the piercing feeling in my heart was not elation, but actually a warning signal from God to stay far, far away from you but my loins which God himself created kept me coming back to you for more *ahem* attention. 

Our relationship was a whirlwind.  You swept me off my feet, (literally we spent a lot of time off our feet in horizontal positions so you could pleasure me beyond recognizable proportions or if you were Jamaican, so you could lie about pleasuring me and insist that it was always one-way), we went everywhere together, to the movies, to nice restaurants (even when all you could afford was McDonald's at least you took me to McBistro), we went to concerts (even if sometimes we just parked in the parking lot of the venue and rolled down our windows and listened from outside....it's the thought that counts right?), and of course I knew it was the real thing when you introduced me to your parents (although I probably should have seen it as a red flag when you introduced me as your "friend" to your mom and dad even though 45 minutes earlier your face was planted squarely between my thighs....I digress).  Pretty soon, lust became love and we were no longer just interested in playtime, but developed a genuine caring and respect for each other.  Your dreams became our dreams, my home became your resting place (which by the way you did absolutely NOTHING to help me acquire and I would have gotten on my own regardless if you had been the dude on the scene or not), and before you knew it, we were a family (even more so if one or both of the parties had children prior because now picnics/amusement parks/vacations were even bigger deals but greater memories). 

My love for you was unconditional.  Even though you were not the most educated dude on the block, even though the longest you'd ever held a job of any significance was 2 years, even though when I met you, you still lived at home with your mama and had NEVER lived anywhere else BUT with your mama until you met me, even though you aspired to be [insert occupation] - (singer, professional ball player, DJ, actor, painter, poet or whatever job aspiration applies to you personally), I loved you with all my heart.  And until me, no one claimed you the way I did.  Trust me, your exes all had the same story.  But I knew that I was "that" girl.  The girl that could make you grow up and take responsibility and become a man.  Why?  Because you loved me as much I loved you, and dammit, we all need to grow up sometimes right?  Some just need a little push. I was going to be yours.  (This is where all the women that inspired this post join hands and collectively stab our own eyes).

Our life together, whether it be 4 months, 4 years or 14 years was so dear to me.  I used to wonder what my life was like without you. You became a part of me, and in the best way I knew how, I catered to your every need. I even kept my mouth shut when you [insert odd and humiliating behaviour] - (would spend hours every day looking at internet porn of white school girls, make me roll and light your weed for you as if your hands were broken, occasionally tried on my underwear and looked at yourself in the mirror, made me do strange things with my feet because you were one of "those" foot fetish people, would prefer to masturbate over my sleeping body rather than just wake me up and fcuk me, oh, and how could I forget how I would lie to the kids about why you were vomiting profusely out the car window with them in the backseat having me tell them you had stomach flu when really you were just a soft drinker and couldn't handle your liquor as chunks of your disgusting vomit flew back into the car), I said nothing. I was a good wife (girlfriend, fcuk buddy, 1st cousin or whatever title applies to you personally).

We shared a life.  Money, house, cars, everything. As the pastor said, "you have to give up some of the self to make room for the whole."  But unfortunately, only one of heeded those words.  I mean seriously, I have NO idea what your mother let you get away with, but why the hell should I be stuck paying your $3,000.00 cell phone bill (not once, but twice) because you couldn't seem to stop sending naked pictures of yourself to other women? Why should I have to take a 2nd mortgage out on my home to help fund your gym, when it is this same gym that you take your jump-off to and carry on your tawdry affair - like I don't know about the b*tch? Why should I pay for your studio time because you are supposed to be this superstar recording artist only to have you yell and scream at me when it suits you?  Why should I make the 4 hour drive back and forth to Michigan by myself every weekend in order that we have a relationship or to add insult to injury just 4 weeks after giving birth to YOUR son lest you never see him as an infant?  WHY MOTHER FCUKER SHOULD I KILL MYSELF WORKING 75 HOURS A WEEK TO MAKE SOME KIND OF LIFE FOR US WHILE YOU STAY AT HOME AND PLOT YOUR FCUKING EXIT FROM THE BEST DAMN DEAL THIS LIFE WILL EVER GIVE YOU?

They say that history repeats itself.  And yes, I should have taken the hint when I found out you had 7 children from 5 different baby mamas, or that your 3 previous relationships ended because you cheated and left your girlfriends for the sidepiece, or that you have no money left from the giant inheritance you got when your Grandma passed just 4 years ago, or that the reason you kept leaving my hospital room while I was giving birth to your daughter was because the fcuking Raiders game was on, and you were torn between the birth of your child and cot damned Randy Moss!  

It is really no surprise that you bailed.  You came into the relationship stupid, you were for the most part brain-dead during the relationship, and now you have taken your common sense-impairment into someone else's yard.  Although the path of destruction you have left in my life is epic, the one comfort I take in all of this is that you are now somebody else's problem.  Just remember, you get in return EXACTLY what you put out into the universe.  So, for all the:

• women you cheated on me with
• money you owe me
• odd and bizarre sexual acts you forced me to do because you are a bit of a deviant
• times you raised your hands to me and thought striking me would break me
• times you've left your kids hanging so you could go drinking with the boys
• times I've had to clean up your nasty vomit
• lies you've told me

and

• sexually transmitted diseases you've spread

I speak on behalf of all the women whose story is represented here when I say I hope your dick turns black with necrosis, and falls off (or better yet dangles by a piece of loose and chafed skin)

Wishing you all that you deserve and on behalf of anyone who feels that their story is echoed here,

[insert name] - (but hell, it's my blog so may I be the first to sign it),

Darling Nicky

Hit and Run Anyone?

Some of you say that you've never been involved in any kind of accident, let alone a "hit and run".  Think again.  Ever had someone sweep into your life, ransack it like an out of control vehicle, then leave?  Could be an acquaintance whose so-called friendship evolved too quickly before you realized who or what they were really all about, and before you knew it they had hijacked your friends, your job or your partner.  Could be the new girlfriend or boyfriend of a family member whose method of behaviour is just so different from what you are used to that their relationship felt like an amusement park roller coaster.  You've been summoned to deal with relationship crisis' more times in 6 months than in your whole entire life.  But most often, it is one of YOUR OWN romantic partners that commits this unspeakable crime.  

You meet someone, you fall stupidly instantly in love, and of course like driving a car without any insurance, you allow this person to recklessly infect affect every part of your life.  You loan them your car, and they crash it. (yes, that has happened to me).  You let them borrow money, and they bleed you dry. (yes, that has also happened to me).  They give you the best s-e-x you think you've ever had in your life, but they are also giving it to two others that you find out about after the fact. (raises hand again). Or worse yet, you begin to play house with this person, maybe move in together, and hell (just to add to the level of potential destruction) you get married. 

Then......they bail. 

Citing that it's too much responsibility to be a grown-up and they don't really feel like looking after kids or a home.  People do this, and as preposterous as it is that someone would leave the scene of a car accident without at least exchanging insurance information, it happens in many other life situations also.

The root of why people "hit and run" is COWARDICE.  The overwhelming fear of dealing with the consequences of their own actions.  Think of the dude that gets a young girl pregnant, and then vehemently denies ever having slept with her until Maury does a paternity test, and BAM!  YOU ARE THE FATHER!

I have had more hit and runs in my personal life the I've ever had in a car, but I realize my mistake (albeit that I'm in my 30's and wish I could score back an extra 10 years of my life to make a few corrections), and it was; that I didn't check my blind spot frequently enough.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, I'm overly loyal (I didn't realize there was such a thing as too loyal, I thought loyalty was a good thing, but apparently it IS possible to be too devoted),  I'm very trusting towards people I care about which means I start to become blind to their faults (big mistake), and I'm a nice person.  Ok, so I do not pick up strays off the street (no hitch hikers either), but I resonate with the underdogs, those that have shit in their lives, and before you know it, their shit becomes my shit, and even more absurd, they fuck off move on, and I'm still looking after their shit.  

I am acquainted with someone whose lover duped them for over $40,000.  That's some serious collateral damage.  But because of the intimacies that they shared (read as: each has dirt on the other), neither party is willing to hash it out to deal with the crime.  One party feels like they got away with the scam of a lifetime, and the other party is so broken by the audacity of the crime that she never confronted him and brought forth consequences. Another friend of mine fell madly in love with someone they met on social media.  After a few months of online flirting, they met in person and the infatuation transcended the computer screen into real-life (mind you this was a long-distance relationship that required many long journeys across the border by my friend).  And a few months later, guess who got pregnant?  Yep, my friend.  Who now has a beautiful son, but that's about all she got from that relationship because the dude (in case I didn't illustrate this clearly enough) has NEVER been across the border to visit with her.  Smh.

Final Thoughts:

There is a reason cars come equipped with safety devices. To protect you from harm.  You should use your life's safety mechanisms to do the same.  Listen to your instincts, do a bit of a background search (because history tends to repeat itself, so if there was ransacking before you, there will be ransacking with you, and there will be ransacking after you), and don't be afraid to slam on the breaks to avoid an accident on the off-chance you can actually see it coming.  As I'm writing this, I'm watching disturbing coverage of that woman from Butt-Fcuk, Ontario (my hometown) who manufactured this whole cancer scenario and duped naive and generous supporters out of charity monies.  Can you imagine the skid marks left on the faces of the people that fell victim to her scheme?  Hit and Runs are among the most heinous of crimes.  Always have some insurance.

Flip-Flops Are For Your Feet

"Flip-Flops are for ur feet. Not the way you treat your friendships or relationships". - Darling Nicky via Twitter

Have you ever been involved in a relationship of any kind (friendship, romance, professional) where the winds changed direction so many times, you thought you were caught in a tornado?  Where the temperature changed from hot to cold so often you had to wear a parka to cover your burns? Where the level of comfort in the relationship changed from anytime to sometime? This type of "flip-flop" dynamic in a relationship could easily give a person whiplash.  But, I bet'cha $5 we've all been in some type of relationship where flip-flops seemed to be the footwear of choice.

Ladies, you know that "bad boy" thug type that no matter how much we know he's not good for us, we seem foolishly intrinsically attracted to?  He treats us like dirt far more than he treats as like the queens that we are, but oh man! When he does us right, it feels soooo right! (read as: the s-e-x is really really good). So, you're in a relationship with dude, albeit that you may or may not know that you are one of 4 women he's having the same relationship with.  But no matter, you know in your heart that you're the bonafide *side eye*.  You have wonderful rendez-vous together, you feel special when he actually takes you out for dinner (in public), and you do things together that are off the beaten trail (like go hiking in the woods with your Steve Madden wedges on and a BCBG dress) that convinces you that for sure you are the only one he could possibly be doing those things with.  There are days when he'll call you 20 times a day, and even if you're not with him, you've texted back and forth so many times that you feel as though he's been by your side every minute.  Then........the next day, NOTHING!  He is suddenly M.I.A., no phone calls, no messages, no booty call, nada.  You are left dangling on a string wondering what you could possibly have done to tick him off and now you are on a mission to put things back together, but the problem is, there's nothing wrong.  He's just on-to-the-next-one and you just got the proverbial flip-flop.  He'll be back, you're p*ssy was good, he'll be back. 

Fellas, ever been so crazy about a girl that in your mind it was absolutely inconceivable that she didn't necessarily share your enthusiasm?  She was friendly, and enjoyed hanging out, but just didn't want the same happily ever after that you envisioned. You may have gotten the flip-flop from her, as she does not want to sever ties with you, after all you are a really nice guy, you're funny, and she likes you as a friend, but come on son, what is she supposed to do with Urkel when she only goes for Tupac?  So with women like this, you may enjoy wonderful moments together like a fun dinner or a night at the movies, but then you might not hear from her for 2 weeks.  She had a life before you met her and decided (in the twisted depths of your mind) that she would be your future wife, but guess what?  Her life continues on regardless, and your free time does not relate to her free time (no matter how much you wish there was a correlation), she'll see you when she sees you.  And that's the best she's offering. 

Flip-flopping is also a defense or coping mechanism.  I have an interesting flip-flop relationship with my best friend.  She (like me) turns inward whenever she's having problems, and instead of using the friendship to confide and talk through issues, she hermits up and avoids phone calls and invitations to hang out, and in that vein, it`s very likely that I can be out with her laughing and joking one day, and then not hear from her for a whole week.  I used to naturally assume that when she "went dark" on me, that I must have done something to piss her off.  So I would leave her voicemails telling her "let`s talk", and invite her to meet up for food/drinks, etc. But, her avoidance of me never had anything to do with not wanting to see me, it was because she didn't want to disappoint me (we Scorpios NEVER want to hear "I told you so", although she should have known I would never say that to her).  Anyways, now that we are in our 30's, we have gotten past our flip-flop behaviour and now we just walk around barefoot in the friendship.

Final Thoughts:

The worst feeling is being on the receiving end of a flip-flop's flightiness.  Here today, gone tomorrow is something that we want only to be true about zits and bad weather.  But let`s be honest with ourselves, if a reciprocal, mutually rewarding relationship is the stiletto of relationships, then why would we settle for a bunch of flip-flops?