Lately, I feel like this poor blog of mine is not getting the regular and frequent attention it once did. I used to have so much to share, and I used to make the time to share it. But three years after emerging from a chapter in my life that was unquestionably the most challenging and painful time of my life, I can look back with my head held high - now the Founder of my own Publicity and Brand Development business all the while still freelancing in Media as a Writer and Publicist, and be proud for turning my life around (or at least well on my way...).
Through my journey, I have recognized an abundance of change within myself, and also in those around me. I used to blog often of my son, in part to help me navigate my feelings as a parent and in part to share my experiences with others going through similar sh*t. As he grew up, I felt him growing away from me as the strains (and tugs) of adolescence pulled him in directions that neither of us had traveled before. Who would have thought that less than 20 years between us could spark a generation gap so wide that I could not relate to the stuff that filled his teenaged mind (we didn't even know about the Illuminati when I was a kid). As he transitioned from that little boy that once clung onto me so tightly to a young man with his own agenda - I've struggled letting him go and watching him learn the tough World out there, trial by fire. He felt the repercussions of many of his choices last year, and just as I was a hard-headed teen, so too is he. Some kids are just very stubborn, that they have to feel the pinch before they start to consider the consequences of the choices they have made, however I am overjoyed that the worst is (hopefully) behind us. The reason I reference him in this blog post has something to do with what happened a few nights ago.
I have long struggled with a bad back for ages. Those that know me (read as: #follow me on Twitter) may have even experienced previous episodes of my back injuries, one even resulting in the creation of @NickyBrokeBack - and as of last Wednesday, she reared her ugly head again. (Not sure why I assume my back is female?) After trying to soldier it out for a couple of days due to meetings and commitments, I was completely unable to stand or sit for more than 5 mins as of Saturday morning. When an attempt to reach a bottle of gingerale left me stuck in a 90 degree angle, I'd had enough and called a friend to take me to the hospital at 9:30 pm that night. Out of nowhere, my almost 18-yr old son says to me as I struggled to pull some loose pants and a T-shirt over my crippled and contorted body says, "I'm not comfortable with you going to the hospital with someone I don't know."
This came from the mouth of someone who for the last 3 years has deceived me about everything from who his friends are to his attendance at school to where he goes when he leaves the house. This from the person who has been cavorting with an endless list of "people I don't know", and yet when I call on one of my Business associates to give me a ride to the Emergency Room, HE's not comfortable???? I immediately thought - this kid is CRAZY - or that aliens named Hypocrisy and Self-righteousness had taken over my child's being. Needless to say, I was stuck in the Waiting Room for over 4 hrs before I was even seen, and didn't get to come home until the next morning, which had he come with me - would have meant he would have missed school. An outcome I could not endorse knowing I was not on my deathbed.
To add insult to injury, while I was at the hospital, a friend of mine, someone I work with whom I had told via text message I was heading to the ER - responded to an email I'd sent hours before cancelling a meeting scheduled for today because I knew there was NO WAY I was going to be able to attend feeling like my back had rusted out at Lumbars 1 through 5 with "feel free to skype or facetime in (to the meeting) if you so desire". ARE YOU KIDDING ME? When I managed to email back that the hospital did not support that level of Wi-Fi, and that I was indeed still at the hospital, he replied, "like your iPhone 4 (sic) dont send out wifi but i understand." Through my pain, I was livid. Why the fcuk would my friend and colleague be badgering me about using my phone to Skype into a meeting I had already cancelled WHILE I was sitting in the Emergency Room in tears because I hadn't been able to straighten my back in days?!
Only MEN could behave so ignorantly in this situation, and that's when it occurred to me, is testosterone to blame?
I don't think for one second that men in general are insensitive bastards. Many of my best friends are men, and ALL of the loves of my life have been men (haha - that sounded weird), and I certainly would not have stuck around as long as I did if they were all assholes. But I have detected a pattern emerging around times of crisis, one that usually results in some kind of inappropriate reaction to whatever my situation is. I think guys like to "fix" things, and when they can't, they avoid or deflect. By switching gears from the dire part of the crisis/problem that they can't rectify, they direct focus on another part of the crisis to maintain a level of control. With my son, rather than be grateful that way out here in Butt-Fcuk, I was able to call on someone who was willing to pick me up and take me to the hospital (my son does not drive), he redirected to a place of control by focusing on the fact that HE did not personally know who was coming to take me. With my colleague, rather than offering me reassurance that he would hold down the meeting without me, he redirected to offering me a lesson on how to use my iPhone as a hotspot to effectively still attend the meeting via VideoPhone (albeit from a hospital stretcher).
Yeah - it's gotta be the testosterone.
Remember on Love and Hip-Hop: Atlanta this season (Oh God...I know, don't begrudge me my guilty pleasure) when both Lil'Scrappy and his mother held it against Erica (his Baby Mother) for not sticking around when Scrappy had an asthma attack - she called for medical help then went to work???!!! I felt that they were right to be upset with her because her reasoning behind being so nonchalant about his life-threatening asthma attack was that he'd long suffered from it, and always came through. Um...that is supposed to be the man you love Erica! That's like giving permission for a man to skip the birth of your child because you've already had a few and everything turned out alright. Compassion...that's all Scrappy was looking for and that's (I suppose) what I was expecting from my loved ones. Meh...I guess you can't have it all. At least they take out the trash and kill spiders.